By Ryan Blenkiron
It’s been three years since treatment ended, decimating my stage IV diffuse large B cell lymphoma. Among other life-altering changes since diagnosis, I’m now a single mom of three — my kids are now aged five, seven and ten. It’s a challenge to be a single parent at all, but I’d venture a guess that it’s harder to be a cancer survivor at the same time.
Here is how it’s harder for me:
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“Fatigued” is still a daily state of being, and when I am fatigued, my patience takes a nosedive.
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I am easily overwhelmed by loud noise and by processing more than one noise source at a time.
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My emotions about cancer and survivorship — and now divorce — remain fairly close to the surface, sometimes spilling out in front of my kids.
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A few cognitive abilities continue to elude me; I especially find multitasking to be problematic.
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There isn’t someone in my life to simply pick up the slack for me. Chores, transportation, bills, emotional wellbeing, education, safety — it’s all up to only me when the kids are in my custody (and sometimes even when they’re not).
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I have had to “let go” of a lot of personal goals for my kids, like excelling in a sport or travelling to attractions.
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With 50/50 custody, I am left exhausted and in need of recovery when the kids go to their coparent’s.
That’s certainly not a detailed list, but if you’re reading this, I am sure you can relate! However, no one wants to keep thinking about how it’s hard to single parent after cancer; it’s not a healthy place to mentally dwell. So, I am often reminding myself of the list of ways cancer has shaped my single parenting life for the better:
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I have awoken to new and better priorities for my life, and I attempt at every turn to instill the awareness in my kids that life is precious and wonderful, and meant to be lived fully.
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I can do hard things, and I have a long list of ways I’ve already done hard things. I’m surviving a lot of grief and pain, which has given me confidence. My kids see my confidence.
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Being happier at my core is the best way I can support my children. They now have a role model that focuses on healthy mental and physical habits.
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I have learned tools such as breathing, mindfulness, self-compassion, setting intentions, and reframing. When my children can’t seem to regulate their emotions, I can use these strategies to help them get through it.
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With 50/50 custody, I get a nice span of rest and recovery and possibly time to soul search. My kids benefit when I am well rested, organized, and have a sense of purpose.
If you’re single-handedly parenting after cancer, I see you. It’s tough and it’s beautiful.
