Hey everyone, I’m really struggling to get a message out to you today, not because I don’t have things I want to say, but more because for what seems like the first time in a long time I’m having trouble saying what I want to say. I’m going to make an attempt here and see if you can follow, if not please ask questions as it all makes great sense inside my head. Communicating what’s in there is the Challenge.
I remember the day I was walking into hospital to start Game 2, which was second round chemo during my first Cancer Challenge, it was January 2nd, 1999. I was carrying my official hockey stick, I really took that hockey strategy everywhere I went, the stick, puck, and jersey came with me everywhere. I remember getting on the elevator and feeling as though I was walking to the ice for a big game. In my head I knew what to expect, I was having the same chemo I had just finished about a month and half ago, same drugs, same experience… not quite.
For me I was always looking for a point of reference, something to compare my experience to, I guess it helped me understand it myself and then communicate it to others. So I figured that Game 1 and Game 2 would be much the same. No. No. No.
From the moment I stepped on the floor – 4 North A – all things going north switched to south, west was east, inside was out. Everything from my hospital room, to blood tests, everything that was supposed to flow didn’t, it stopped and ran the other way. As soon as I started chemo I felt terrible, so bad that the Docs were going to stop it. I had a killer headache, wouldn’t quit, not for the whole 7 days of chemo, and they couldn’t explain it. For a couple of days the thought was that my Leukemia had possibly spread to my nervous system and was causing my headache. A spinal tap proved otherwise, still no cause for the headaches. I left hospital after 7 tough days of chemo, Game 1 I was kept in for 38 days, no discharge. Didn’t matter much as less than 48 hours after being released I spiked a temp and was back in to start my toughest stretch as a Cancer Patient to that point. A fungal infection forced the introduction of a drug us Patients called Ampho-terrible, well named. After another 17 days of lying flat in my darkened room I was discharged just before Superbowl weekend.
Game 1 was a mental Challenge, the presentation of a new Challenge, a Leukemia diagnosis, strategy development, commitment to sharing my experience. Game 2 took me to a new depth regarding physical Challenges, one that I didn’t know existed to that point. Game 2 was almost completely opposite of everything Game 1 was.
From the beginning 3 years ago I felt Cancer was a customized experience, everyone experiences things in their own way and Cancer was certainly no exception. Despite learning my lesson that comparisons probably won’t hold up I do still enjoy reflecting and seeing how things differ, or how they are the same as there are similarities.
When my relapse was diagnosed over the summer I felt that this new Challenge was a new Challenge, not the continuance of the original one. Thus I felt it needed an entirely different approach.
My “aggressive, confident and controlling” hockey strategy worked very well for me the first time out, but I can tell you that this time it was never about a fight. I am not now, nor have I ever been fighting, not since the week of July 20, 2001. Cancer is not my enemy, it is an amazing teacher of mine. I see Cancer as a professor of mine, one who’s influence is permanent and long lasting, but who’s presence was temporary.
While I knew that these experiences would be quite different, knew in my gut, I often find myself reviewing my road to getting here today and remarking at how different it is than first time out. And as I let myself think forward more and more the comparisons are there too, as I am nearing the physical rebuilding stage. It is something that I have been thinking about for a while, and quite honestly I was hesitant to begin any kind of focused effort to build strength as I wondered if that effort would be for not should I get really sick again. Having passed the magical Day 103 I know that there really is no magical day in that respect, not for me or any one. And I have worked myself to a point where I’m mentally ready to take on another rebuilding Challenge, my body needs my focus and attention to get it somewhere near where I want it. The past month or so has seen me make the transition in my mind and I am now mentally ready for that Challenge.
The mental part is significant, I always say that before I commit to any project or task “I need to feel it inside”, and now I feel it. How my physical body will react to tackling that Challenge is unknown, always is. But now that the most important piece is in place I’m confident and looking forward to the Challenge of regaining my physical strength. And that will allow me to tackle other physical and mental Challenges, as there is certainly a long list of them on my “To Do’s”.
Hope you followed, I’ll continue to attempt to clarify in my mind and will share the progress as it comes. Have a good one.
Always…
Live Life. Love Life.
Geoff
