By Nathan Finch
“Little-by-little.” This is a saying I tell myself when I’m feeling down. I’ll say it to myself when I’m struggling or frustrated with something I don’t think I’ll ever finish, and I said it a few times when I was hiking up that bloody mountain. Little-by-little I realized Retreat Yourself Adventure 2018 was incredible, and I loved every minute.
I work with children and families affected by cancer, and at the beginning of the year, I was researching adult cancer programs to gain more knowledge of what is out there and what it looked like to facilitate. When I came across Retreat Yourself Adventure, I was eager to learn more.
At first, I inquired to see if they took volunteers. When they wrote back and told me I was eligible to be a participant, I was hesitant to sign up. I felt a little guilty; it had been 12 years since my own diagnosis. Physically and mentally I felt perhaps others were more deserving. I knew they only took a small group of people and I thought that I’d be taking a spot of someone who truly needed this more than myself. When I let them know my concerns, they reassured me this wasn’t an issue, and I signed up.
Unfortunately, cancer is common in my family. Three of my four grandparents have faced it, in addition to my father and I being diagnosed only a day apart. Yep, it’s pretty F@#%ing shit. Cancer changed my life forever, but it gave me a whole new perspective on many things that I’m thankful for. I’m a very positive person, when I was told the news and treatment plan, I just focused on the end date and said “let’s just get through this.”
Post-treatment is where I really struggled. Not to toot my own horn, but prior to treatment I was quite fit and a good athlete. However, after nearly a year of being in and out of the hospital, I was a shell of my pervious self and looked like a walking, talking skeleton. I was asked to attend cancer programs with people my age, fun communities that I could hang out and talk, too. I didn’t want anything to do with it. I wanted to get as far away from anything cancer related as possible and put that chapter behind me.
Fast forward twelve years. It was only in the last two years that I decided to enter back into this world, but it’s the best decision I’ve ever made. Long story short, Retreat Yourself Adventure is the first cancer program I have done for myself since being diagnosed, though I still had my concerns even just a week before the retreat. I didn’t know if I was going for the right reasons or if I’d take anything away for it. I was worried about how people would react to my treatment ending so long ago. Would I be able to open up to strangers about my feelings? I just didn’t know what to expect. All of this — and more — was squashed after the first 24 hours.
It’s amazing how quickly a group of people can come together in such a short amount a time. After the first day we were like a family. Beyond being able to relate to one another, everyone was raw, so open, and very approachable. Conversations that can sometimes be awkward to navigate felt natural and came along easily. I felt comfortable right away. I really enjoyed sitting down at the end of each night to talk about our day. I loved how honest everyone was about their feelings and what challenged them. It was great to see people push themselves and achieve whatever goals they set out, including my own. I was inspired by our group every day.
Personally, I learnt a lot on day three when we hiked Gros Morne. The hike is 16 kms roundtrip; I knew it was going to be hard, but never thought I couldn’t do it. I had two great conversations during the hike that made me come to some realizations, one with myself, and the other with another participant.
Eight to nine hours hiking is a long time to think about things. A lot of thoughts went through my head when I was alone, and I was able to reflect on my life and dig into some areas I’d like to work on. It was refreshing to be able to do that and to ask myself hard questions I sometimes avoid. I know I was able to achieve this because of the environment and the people around me.
The second conversation was the highlight of the retreat and it made me happy I made the decision to come. It made me realize this retreat wasn’t just about what I could get out of it, but what I could give to someone else that may have a positive impact. We talked about the many challenges we still face post treatment. I think it really made an impact on them to know that they’re not alone and there’s always someone to talk to.
The whole week was an amazing experience I’ll never forget. The people, the activities, and the environment were unforgettable. Little-by-little I have learnt how impactful being a part of these communities are. Little-by-little I’m going to continue to be involved in communities like YACC, not only to empower myself, but also to impact others. Little-by-little I want to encourage adults affected by cancer to join these communities sooner than later, because in retrospect, I know how much it could have helped me twelve years ago.
Read what other participants had to say:
“What a week(end) of surviving” by Death To Bob
